It was the day of Holger's funeral. There were a lot of teachers, former students, neighbors, and TDGers present. He had given us all a piece of his wisdom over the years—and it was our job to pass it on.

Len and I were chatting at the reception when Holger's son David came up to us.

"Thank you so much for coming. This TDG was so important to Dad in his last years."

"Well we were honored to have been a part of his life. He taught us so much. And he seemed to have a natural instinct for the TDG."

"And a knack for knowing how to make it work."

"Our family read Dad's will two days ago. Dad left $20,000 to the Riverbend TDG. As soon as the estate settles, we'll get those funds off to you people."
Holger really wanted this TDG to move forward. What a legacy.

My new place needed some furniture, which I put on my credit card. Living alone, I had to pay higher rent. But not going to nightclubs was saving me money. I probably still could have been financially responsible just with my job at the accounting firm.

But I needed to occupy my time as I sorted things out. I took a job as a waiter at a restaurant Friday evenings, Saturdays, and Sundays. I also came in on weekday evenings if called and worked a few 12-hour days. The restaurant money was paying off my credit card, and I could see a growing  bank balance in the future. That felt good.

I met Stacy Mabrall at this new job. She was a cook at the restaurant. After we closed up the restaurant one Saturday evening, we decided to get something to eat. The only restaurant still open was a 24-7 truck stop on the interstate. Not too many people there that time of the night, and we got a booth far from the few middle-aged men having a meal and coffee. Maybe they could hear us, maybe not. We ordered a trucker's meal, which we really enjoyed. When one is around fancy food all day, ordinary food has a certain magic to it.  

Stacey told me she had finished her Bachelor's degree in sociology about a year ago. There weren't a lot of jobs for her field at the bachelor's level, so she started waiting at this restaurant and later moved into cooking. She was enjoying the cooking trade-and paying off her student debts.

"I was in university for a year," I said, "I kind of failed out."

"Oh. Why was that?" Stacey asked.

"I'm not sure I liked the program I was in. My mother's a nurse, and I didn't seem to have her passion for her profession."

"And?"

"I did a lot of partying in that time. The parties became more important than education. All college students get into that. Lots of alcohol. Lots of sex."

"Not my experience."

"Well maybe if you didn't live in a dormitory."

"I lived in a dormitory for two years. Maybe you lived in ‘that kind' of dormitory," Stacey suggested.

"What kind?"

"The kind that has a culture of excessive partying. Binge drinking. Promiscuity."

I was surprised, "I just thought all college students and young people went that way."

"Dorms somehow find their own culture. My dorm had a few party people. But most of us were focused on studies and let's say-responsible-social outings."

"Why did I end up with this.... party-party dorm? I just didn't think there was any other way."

"Let me ask you this question: Did all the first-year students stay with the dorm?"

I had to think: "No, there were a few that moved out in a couple of weeks. We called them losers.....And there were a few more that didn't show up after Christmas break but were still on campus. We called them losers as well."

"Well that explains a lot. Did you ever think of moving out?"

"No, not really. I really believed that our dorm activity was typical of young people. Another dorm would have been the same. . . right?". I was starting to question what I thought was normal for young people.

"May I offer a different hypothesis?"

"OK."

"Before you walked into that dorm, you were already somewhat inclined to accept that culture of alcohol and sex when it was was offered to you. For the people that left or tolerated that dorm, that culture was too far from their value system."

"You mean not all young people are having lots of sex?"

"From the sociologist studies I've encountered, 90% of Americans are leading a monogamous or celebate lifestyle. Pop culture has a way of giving the impression that everyone is having lots of sex with multiple partners. But the studies don't reflect that."

"Even for young people?" I asked.

"Compared to the general population, a higher percentage of young people have a promiscuous lifestyle. But they are still a minority of young people. There are more young people having sex with just one partner than jumping from bed-to-bed."

"But everyone around me at college was jumping from bed to bed."

"And that is because you found yourself in a subculture that somehow made that activity part of its value system. And that subculture is pretty good at convincing people that its values actually dominate college life. It almost seems the American way. Get laid because everyone else is getting laid. But believe me, there were many more young people not in that subculture than in it."  

My mind was blown. My entire perception of reality was tipped over. I let out a puff of air. "This is a lot," I said.

Stacey gave me a minute before she asked, "Were you sexually active in high school?"

"No, I lost my virginity at the college. But I have to say that I was interested in sex since I was 15. My parents had a short leash on me while in high school. Curfews and constant questioning of my social outings."

"OK, having an interest in sex is normal. It's just a question of where we take that interest. If your parents did not have you on their short leash, would you have lost your virginity in high school?"

"Probably, with the right boyfriend."

"So when you walked into that dorm, you were looking for that boyfriend?"

"Yes."

"And you found him quite easily? And your parents were not around?"

"Yes. And he more or less dumped me the next morning," I said with a pang of sadness.

"Let me guess, your heart was broken and you often saw him in the dorm later?"

"Yes."

"How did you cope?"

"I pretended I wasn't hurt." Tears were coming down my face. Stacey offered me a napkin, her hand on my arm,—and gave me a little time.

"I saw that my dorm mates seemed to think that casual hookups were OK. So next weekend, I slept with another boy. I had more sexual encounters by the time the school year ended," I snuffled.

"And that's called cognitive dissonance."

"Cognitive what?"

"Cognitive dissonance. It's when a person tends to rationalize a situation that is against his or her values, making that situation seem normal. Your value system at that time was towards a monogamous relationship; you didn't get it; your culture wasn't going to give it to you. So you adjusted your value system to fit the reality you were living in."

"But why didn't I leave like the others?"

"Because," Stacey answered, "you wanted to fit into your group so bad. Peer pressure is another powerful psychological force. Many of us will bend to the wishes of the group we want to belong to."

"But I never chose this group. It just sort of happened."

"Sort of happened is right. It's human nature to be subject to these psychological forces-and not be aware of them."