Financing presidential election campaigns is not easy. I couldn’t even afford bus tickets this past few months. So I hitchhiked across the USA, setting up my portable soapbox in scores of small towns. It seemed like forest fires, floods, droughts, tornados, and hurricanes were following me wherever I went. The CIA must be altering the weather to make sure somehow my parade got rained on. It’s kind of hard to pontificate from a soapbox in the town square when disaster is all around. The hidden powers of the USA are scared of me.
In early November, I published my first viral article on Medium. I will be paid soon. The entire proceeds are going straight to my campaign fund. I am so invigorated.
Earlier this week, I went back to my bank — to see if I could get my presidential Learjet out of hock. The bank repo-ed it about a year ago — and still cannot sell it. I showed the bank manager my future Medium earnings.
“Mr. Volek, $67.75 is not enough,” he said.
“What the hell?” I said, “Why don’t you banks understand that presidential campaigns need money?”
That’s the trouble with American banks. They only lend out money when you can prove you don’t need it. They had better not come looking for a bailout when I’m president.
The Campaign Feather in my Cap and Black Eye
Two tepid TDG supporters deserve mentioning.
Francesco Rizzuto has written three or four articles that mention the TDG, squeezing a favorable review between his cavilings of the Italian mafia, Catholic church, and award-winning politicians.
I had previously pre-appointed him to junior assistant dog catcher in Atenburg, Missouri, which pays $168,000 a year.
For his recent good efforts, I have now pre-promoted him to senior assistant dog catcher in Atenburg, Missouri, which should add another $666 a year. Anyone can get a nice income under my presidency.
But unfortunately, his salary can’t happen until I am president. We need to reward this Catch-22 feather in my cap. See the bottom of the article.
I used an Unsplash photo of a babe in a bikini. Medium contributors liked her so much that that another $18.82 made it into the presidential campaign. Given the babe’s popularity, I nominated her as my vice-presidential running mate. But I’m not sure where or who she is. Right now, she is just a photo on Unsplash.
Tepid TDG supporter Kathi Connor promised to scour the beaches and swimming pools across the USA She would find the young lady and tell her of her political destiny. So after seven months, there has been no result. While Kathi knows the good of the country is at stake, I cannot reward people who do not produce results. Kathi has become my Catch-22 black eye. No cushy six-figure-year job for her yet. If she is sleeping in her car, it’s her own fault. John Wayne would sleep in his car until the job was done. And that’s true grit.
Lucky for Kathi, I am a forgiving person and don’t like to use the phrase “You’re Fired!” too liberally. Hopefully she can find the babe before Mr. Trump does. I would hate to see that happen. Medium contributors fell for her before when she was in my camp. They will fall for her if she falls in Mr. Trump’s camp. Kathi, the future of the country is in your hands. And Medium could turn into a right-wing rag.
BTW, I expect to be impeached and convicted for treason because that is something the Democrats and Republicans can work together on. So she will be the next president after me.
Not Kathi, but the babe. . . . . . . . No, this does not mean Kathi is not a babe. . . . . . . . . Methinks it’s now better to shut up than dig a deeper hole.
Old Campaign Promise
Should I remind every one of my first major campaign promise: The Liberation of North Montana!
Just remember there are about 3 million Canadians yearning to have the yokes of Canadian socialism pulled off their backs. They really want to pay their own medical bills or deal with byzantine insurance companies or just go without medical treatment. The sooner we can send American troops across the border, the sooner these people will have their freedom.
New Campaign Promise
About a month ago, I came up with a new campaign promise that will bring me millions of votes.
“I will put it in my next campaign message,” I thought while dodging disasters in flyover country. But somehow that great thought has escaped me. I know it was really good. The USA had better elect me pretty quick before I forget everything.
So when I’m president, I’m going to hire a scribe to follow me around and record every neat thing I say. So there will be no more forgetting.
The scribe also gets to carry the nuclear football that follows the president. That should impress the chicks in the Washington pubs.
So if you like a jet-setting lifestyle, fancy food, impressing chicks, and hanging around great people like me, this is a job for you. It pays $175,000 a year! That’s a little more than the senior assistant dog catcher in Atenburg, Missouri, which is high status in Atenburg.
“How do you get this job?” you ask. Read the next section and connect the dots with the typical American ingenuity we so appreciate.
In the meantime, I need to resurrect that new great idea. I hope I can figure it out before 2024. If I don’t forget . . . .
Fundraising, Fundraising, Fundraising
For some reason, Mr. Trump couldn’t keep Air Force One. So he got his business Boeing 757, now called Trump Force One, out of mothballs.
I need to be somewhat competitive. I really need to get my Learjet back. I need to paint “Volek for Prez 47” on this plane.
So, send money to:
Dave Volek
Brooks, North Montana, USA
Cash in envelopes is probably best. That way, the authorities cannot trace your connection to my campaign. There’s not much sense in you going to prison for treason. I will go to prison for all of us.
Let’s stop the steal!
Let’s stop the Republicans!
Let’s stop the Democrats!
Things Could Be Worse!
Published on Medium 2022
Dave Volek's Pandemic Simulation
The Political Donor: A 1-Act Play
