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Prez 47 Satire: Liberation of North Montana

Last week, I announced my intentions to run for president of the United States in 2024.

Not even one day went by before some Medium contributor went negative on me. Politics is so unbelievable, isn’t it?

I won’t mention the offender’s name lest my most ardent supporters assemble their fleet of black SUVs with tinted windows at the offender’s address at 5:00 in the morning for who knows what. Not that I approve of such things, but I’m just saying.


Here is what the offender said:

“Dave, you are Canadian. A Canadian cannot become President of the USA.”

Talk about peeing on the nice parade I was setting up.


Most of you already understand the correct version of American history to know the error of this statement. I should not have to explain. But I will explain in hopes that future disruptors of my parades realize that I am always a step ahead of their negative ways.

When the Louisiana Purchase was made in 1803, the boundaries were kind of described as the watershed west of the Mississippi River. But the truth was that the second owners of this land — the French — really did not have much control over this territory they had stolen from the Indians.

Then the USA moved into the days of “Manifest Destiny,” which was another name for “The Land Grab Sanctioned by God, so We White People Can Ignore Property Rights of the Indians.” The Manifest Destineers were looking for any reasonable excuse to grab more land. They saw three British settlements to the north: Vancouver, Edmonton, and Winnipeg. The triangle between these three small towns was empty space occupied by no people of the European persuasion. The Destineers claimed this land as part of the USA — right up to the outskirts of these three British towns — even though the closest American towns were four light years away. A nice triangle shape was formed by putting these three towns as the triangle vertices.



There was a big commission struck by the Americans and British elite. Somehow, someway, the Destineers were cheated. Instead of the triangle with the northern vertex at Edmonton, the commission deemed the 49th parallel as the boundary, about 400 miles to the south. Go figure.

 

I was born in this triangle. I have spent most of my life in this triangle. Because the triangle really belongs to the USA, this makes me an American citizen.

I can indeed run for president of the USA.

Not only that, my first campaign promise is to correct this history wrong—and bring Northern Montana back into the USA.

About four million people live in North Montana. Nearly all want to get out from under the thumb of Canadian socialism and pay for their own health care. Kamloops, Calgary, Regina, Brandon will soon be celebrating July 4 with fireworks! Yahoo for Freedom.

Yep, bringing the 51st state into the Union will cement my legacy as a leader in U.S. presidents!

Northern Montana also shows my skills as a politician. You see, the Liberation of Northern Montana will occupy many Americans’ minds as to what makes America great. I can ride this wave all the way through 2028 and well into my second term.

This political diversion plan is almost as good as a female politician showing some cleavage on the national news.

Yep, I really know what I am doing. And I know better than not to show my cleavage. That is why you should vote for me.

Things could be worse.

Published on Medium 2021

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