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Political Satire: Secretary of Cleavage

It’s tough being the only non-party candidate for the 47th President of the United States. Some news is better than no news. Some views are better than other views.

If you clicked this article, thank you for the extra $0.17 you have donated to the campaign.

A couple of weeks ago, one of my ardent supporters of the female persuasion expressed her admiration for my courageous campaign.

So, I invited her to become the Secretary of Cleavage in my first administration. I mentioned that the job is hers when I get her $2,000 check. That money will buy me lots of bus tickets as I campaign from downtown street corners of various American towns. Since the bank took my Learjet away, I have resorted to hitchhiking across the USA. That shows my commitment to this great cause to save this great country.

Well, her check has not come in! So the position is still open. Any takers?

Well, actually, all my cabinet positions are still open. So, all you political writers on Medium, send checks to my campaign — and you will get a high position in January 2025. You can bend the USA to your will much more by being in my cabinet than by writing political articles on Medium.

For those of you who are new to my campaign:

The usual Prez 47 graphic. When I get my Secretary of Cleavage, pictures with breasts will lead my campaign stories.

There is no issue of competence vs. incompetence in my cabinet secretaries. They will get the job simply by paying me. This makes things easier for average Americans and the media to understand.

Did I mention that Cabinet secretaries make about $200,000 a year! This wage is above all the profits a secretary can earn from insider trading in the stock market. Two thousand dollars now versus $200,000+ later: a no-brainer in my books. Let’s see if Americans can do the math. Or is the American education system as bad as many Medium writers say it is?

Let’s see, most of us are working for Medium about 10 hours a week for less than $100 a month . . .

The job of the Secretary of Cleavage is to unbutton a few buttons on her blouse when the political heat gets a little high for me. A pair of half-naked breasts on national TV can really take away a lot of political attention. $200,000 divided by two breasts is . . . do the math . . . definitely better than a lottery ticket.

My enemies in the Republican Party, while trying to get a quick look, will be aghast with this exposure. They will want to take this secretary’s freedom and give it to anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers. Freedom is indeed a commodity that must be taken from the unworthy to give to the worthy. Otherwise, there is no point to freedom.

My enemies in the Democratic Party will want to give the Secretary of Cleavage more freedom — just to annoy the Republicans and take away their freedom to not look at breasts. While the two parties are fighting over half-naked breasts on national TV, I can declare war and call off war without anyone noticing except the Russians and Chinese and Vietnamese and Afghanis and Iraqis.

Secretary of Cleavage: I will be highly regarded as a high-ranking President for my innovative political methods.

And I will have many enemies. Because most of you don’t like my enemies, you should . . . .

Vote for me in 2024!

Things could be worse!

But first, donate. Donating is more important than voting for me in two years. I need my Learjet back to get more votes. And a new Ferrari would get votes from the rich chicks, who will put up viral Instagram photos of me giving them rides.

Send Checks to:

Dave Volek

Brooks, Alberta*

*A good chunk of western Canada will be brought into the Union, become the 51st state, and renamed “North Montana.” This will be my first presidential act, which will fix a historical wrong from the days of manifest destiny. The annexation should be good for 5 percentage points in my polls for a couple of months. Too bad for the three million Canadians suddenly becoming Americans! An acceptable trade-off, by most American standards.

Don’t send any money through the various internet entities specializing in moving e-money around. Some Medium contributors, not happy with their less than $100 month paycheck from Medium, have figured out a way to use my popularity to scam other people. They have set up their own “Dave Volek for Prez 47” page. Don’t make the mistake of paying the scammers. Just send a check to Brooks. It might take a week for American money to clear a Canadian bank; I can wait. The Russians have things worse.

Published on Medium 2022

Prez 47: Vote for Dave

Promiscuity & Politics