In my last campaign message, I alluded to my Learjet that was taking me from campaign stop to campaign stop. Some of you were asking, “How did Dave get the money to buy a Learjet?”
Simple: I went to an American bank. They will approve just about everything, especially from an older white man who kind of looks and sounds smart. Here is the conversation I had with my new banker:
“So, Mr. Volek. You want a loan to buy the Learjet with serial number 83637850272?”
“Yep.”
“What is your occupation?”
“I am an independent candidate to be the 47th president of the USA. I need a Learjet to campaign.”
“Interesting . . . . How do you propose to make loan payments?”
“I am posting my campaign stories on Medium. I can make lots of money there. There’s lots of articles about making money on Medium. Check it out. W-W-W-dot-M-E-D-I-U-M-dot-com. Go there!”
Click-click-click-click-click-click-click
“I see that. . . . . . We can get a certified check to your seller this afternoon.”
Man, I love the lack of banking regulations in American banks. So much Freedom!
The Deep State and the Repo Man
Well, last month my Medium check was $17.42. Not only did the bank call my loan in, they hired one of those airplane repossession experts you can watch on TV. Apparently, Learjet owners who can’t make payments have a bad reputation. If I had known that, I would have moved my plane to Mexico.
I will absolutely verify that my reaction to the bank impounding my plane was not staged in any way. As my Learjet was taxiing out of the hanger with the repo man at the controls, I did chase it down with my rusted out, 1993 Toyota Celica, shouting: “You bunch of *#$%^#&*s! That’s my &*^%$ plane!” When the plane and my fast car were neck-and-neck on the runway, I stuck my left hand and pistol out of my car window and began shooting at the plane. It’s amazing at how the cameraman knew how to place himself to get that impromptu shot of my plane, my fast driving, my cussing, and my shooting — and not get shot himself. As always, the American hero (in this TV show, the repo man) and plane got away unscathed.
Anyways, my repo man encounter will be out next TV season. Watch for the series “Airplane Repo.” The show will call me the “deadbeat candidate for the 47th president of the United States.” But I consider any publicity is good publicity. It’ll be a good story to compete with whatever the D’s and R’s are conjuring up about each other.
I also think the wiser Democrats should see the political opportunity. My antics make me look a lot stronger than Mr. Trump at fighting the deep state — which includes repo men. He never fired a pistol once in his four years of public office. He could only salute a helicopter and hold up a Bible. Some of the Dunning-Kruger crowd from the political right would change their vote to my way. That should — at a minimum — flip a few swing states the Democrat way. The Democrats would have the green light to nominate another pliable-to-the-back-rooms, screw-the-common-people candidate to win the next presidential election. Then the Dunning-Kruger crowd from the political left can dance in the streets again.
Message for Democrats
Send a little campaign money my way because I can pull five or more million Republican votes in a different direction! Donations to your Democrat candidate can’t do that!
And your donation can’t backfire on you. Current polls show me at 0.000043% of the popular vote. So even another five million votes to that meagre amount can’t give me the victory. You can trust poll results — and your inherent belief that only D’s and R’s can win elections in the USA.
But without a Learjet, there won’t be any campaign stops for a while. So new campaign tactics are needed to keep the campaign going. Let me introduce my next campaign promise to get lots of attention.
I’m Going to Ban my Own Books
For the past 25 years, I have been promoting a new kind of democracy. This democracy won’t elect someone like Mr. Trump or Mrs. Clinton. It might do something for average Americans: like public health care and universal basic income and nationalizing companies with legal headquarters in tax havens.
But this new democracy goes against the American mythology that holds the USA together. You see, the Founding Fathers created the highest form of government humanity can ever invent: the US Constitution. Because they created the highest form of government humanity can ever invent, they must have been really smart [rich, white] men. The fact that no other rich, white men have created a higher form of government shows that there have been no more smart, rich, white men born in the USA after 1800. Since there are no more smart, rich, white men in the USA, it’s impossible to invent a higher form of government. That’s circular logic at its best!
My books suggest a higher form of government is possible. They really need to be banned lest Americans collectively come down with some severe case of psychosis that will make the current bipolar divide look like a walk in the park. Imagine zombies in New York City, zombies in Oklahoma City, zombies in Yakima, zombies everywhere in the USA. Not the usual “I’m going to eat your brains” zombies. Rather “The Founding Fathers were really not that smart” zombies. Imagine 300 million Americans wandering aimlessly in the streets with vacant looks. Then there’ll be a real labor shortage to complain about.
Unfortunately, I really can’t ban anything until I get the power of the presidency. So if you want my books banned to prevent the Total American Zombie Apocalypse as prophesized in the Bible, send some money my way to get my campaign a boost and get me elected.
I would have no trouble banning my own books because any electoral system that elects me as president must be a fantastic system. I could be convinced to abandon my current ways when I get the power in my hands.
Message For Liberals
But between now and then, you should acquire my four books before they are banned.
Confessions of a Future Politician
Circles of a Future Politician
All four books are available at Amazon and Rakuten. Going to my website for the free read is not recommended.
When my books are banned to finally get all the attention they fully deserve, you can tell your friends that you bought the banned books before the president banned them. Your social circle will be impressed how ahead of the curve you really are. You will look really smart at cocktail parties: “Oh, I bought and read those books before the president banned them,” you can say, “and I didn’t turn into a zombie.”
Message for Those Who Don’t Belong to the Dunning-Kruger Crowds
Donate to my campaign sooner than later. I need my Learjet back. The bank just put it up on the auction block. Rumors have some TV preacher looking at making a bid. The last thing America needs is another TV preacher flying all over the place.
Remember American money is more important than votes! Just ask the organizers of the Canadian “Trucker” protest.
Things could be worse.
Published on Medium 2022
