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Prez 47 Satire: Impeachment of 47

Before I get to my main message, here’s a little report of how well the campaign is going.

First off, the Medium algorithms have not been kind to this campaign. Just as Medium is protecting Medium contributors from my alternative system of democratic governance, Medium is protecting Americans from my presidential campaign messages. I’m sure there must be a conspiracy here. Maybe I’ll figure it out later.

We are now in our sixth week. The number of avowed supporters has risen from 1 to 4. That may not sound like much. By using exponential math and having 164 weeks left in this campaign, the math says 28,000,000,000,000,000 voters will be coming my way by November 3, 2024. No need to abolish the Electoral College.

This growth is sort of like COVID-19 working its way through a pack of unvaccinated, unmasked Republicans at a Trump rally—and their families, friends, and work colleagues—and their families, friends, and work colleagues. Man, I love freedom and exponential math.

One of my four avowed supporters said he wanted to be my Secretary of Things That Cannot Be Changed. But he hasn’t come up with the cabinet fee yet. So that job is still open. There still is time for you to be on the front edge of this wave. 

Now to My Main Message

Just like your average liberal commentator who knows how government should be run from his or her computer chair, I too have special powers. Sometimes I can see the future.

When I started my campaign, I had a vision that I would get impeached and convicted about 18 months after the election. I have alluded to it in previous campaign messages. 

Here is my vision:

I am sitting at a park bench on a sunny day. My laptop has a full battery, so I am writing the story of my impeachment and conviction. It’s a nice day to do something like this. I see myself writing the story.

The impeachment and conviction start with the Clive Hampton Act of 1841. Clive was a congressman from Massachusetts of that time. All the other congressmen thought Clive was too nice to be in politics. They saw him as one-term wonder. But they liked him enough to pass a law in his name.

The Clive Hampton Act says: “When the President’s carriage is entering the White House grounds, it must enter the White House grounds from the Northwest Gate and exit from the Northeast Gate.”

That’s Clive’s contribution to the betterment of the USA! You can see he wasn’t sitting around watching the Kardashians of his time.

It is now 2026. Remember Billie Bart Cahoony? He was the truck driver who drove a whole trailer of ballots across state borders in October 2020. He swears on a whole stack of Bibles and a couple of Korans that he snuck into the trailer and opened the boxes and found them already marked for Joe Biden. His testimony was prime evidence for the Stop-the-Steal campaign. The Republicans called him a hero. The Democrats pointed to his criminal record.

Anyways, Billie Bart was wandering from a DC pub, after spending the night with buddies plotting another insurrection. He stumbled along Pennsylvania Avenue at 2 a.m. He saw a two-horse carriage enter from the Northeast Gate of the Whitehouse grounds. He saw me get out of the carriage and go into the White House. Then the carriage driver went through the Northwest Gate.

Somehow Billie Bart knows to take this story to a Republican lawyer who then digs up the Clive Hampton Act of 1841. “We finally got that damn Volek,” says the lawyer.

Well Washington DC likes a good scandal any day of the week. And this one will suffice. The media are all over this story. The Republicans are gloating.

“Wait,” you ask, “There must be all sorts of surveillance footage to prove or disprove this illegal entry of a two-horse carriage at 2:00 in the morning in 2026?” Good question! I was feeling so soon to being exonerated.

But for some reason, all the surveillance cameras were not working that night. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippo.

To get up the first version of alternative facts, the Republican lawyer says, “This proves President Volek has been tampering with the nation’s cameras dedicated to watching its citizens.” Fox, CNN, and MSNBC, who have seen their ratings drop because my presidency has made only good decisions, have glued this angle to TV screens everywhere.

“Hey,” I respond, “You are talking about the guy who has struggled with computers since Windows XP was declared obsolete. How can I shut down these cameras?” But the glue has already dried.

The Democrat lawyer says, “Billie Bart has not been in jail for seven years. He has become an honest American citizen. His story must be true.”

The Republican lawyer says, “We cannot have a president who violates traffic rules. It’s a bad example for young Americans.”

Two weeks of Congressional hearings, and I’m out of a job. If nothing else, it will be two weeks of Democrats and Republicans not passing any new real laws.

There was one question lingering from my vision: Did my Secretary for Universal Basic Income get the job done in time? You know I like free money just as much as any CEO looking for a government subsidy. But my vision really didn’t tell me if I will be sleeping in my car or maybe living with my mother in her room at the old folks’ home. Or will I actually have a basement suite or studio apartment in a ghetto? I can only see me writing my story on a park bench on a nice sunny day. Where do I live in my post-conviction future?

So Why Run for President?

With this future already being known, it might not make much sense for you to join my campaign. I should just remind you that I and my cabinet will have 18 months to get great things done. We can probably get more great things done in those 18 months than another president—horribly hampered by party politics—can get anything done in eight years.

And when my vice-president takes over, he and his cabinet can get more great things done.

Oh, that vice-president job is still available. You can still apply. Remember 28,000,000,000,000,000 votes are coming my way. Ride the wave!

Things could be worse.

Published on Medium 2021


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