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Prez 47 Satire: My Campaign Promises

In my Week 4 message, I gave the impression that I was going to be a stand-off president and let the cabinet secretaries run their departments their own way.

Well, that just ain’t quite so. I have some great ideas that need implementing. Any secretary who can implement some of these ideas will be less likely to be purged as I look for more personal revenue before the Democrats and Republicans impeach and convict me on some obscure law.

So pay attention future secretaries. Pay attention voters. I really am a president with many good ideas.


Tariffs to Raise Money

I’m going to charge Canada a tariff for all the cold air it exports to the United States. I’m going to order all those scientists who are writing climate change papers to start working on how to monitor the cold air crossing the border. This should increase federal revenues, plus entice Canadians to keep all the cold air for themselves.

And the same for Mexico, except for hot air. To maximize tariff revenues, we need to take down all those walls, which hamper the flow of hot air. Maybe even a hurricane tariff charged to Caribbean countries.

Less cold air, less hot air, fewer storms. The USA could easily escape all this climate change stuff with the right kind of tariffs. Too bad for the rest of the world.


Change to Business Tax Laws

Most advertising is about buying things we really don’t need. So why should advertising be a tax-deductible expense?

As president, I (or one of my secretaries) will work to change our tax laws such that businesses and corporations can no longer use advertising expenses to reduce their taxes.

Businesses still have the freedom to advertise; they will just need to pay some corporate taxes for their advertising.

And while I’m on this subject of corporate taxes, if a business is not earning a reasonable profit in a five-year period, it is time for the government to consider bailing it out. See a campaign promise further down.


Invading the Right Kind of Countries

My policy will be to invade countries that will be easy to conquer and assimilate. It’s time to take Greenland away from Denmark. We could put a small paper bag of money on the doorstep of the Danish Embassy, similar to what we did with the Danish West Indies in 1917. If someone in the embassy takes the bag inside, that is “offer and acceptance” in our civil law. Greenland becomes ours.

To solidify our hold, we will send in the Marines to quell the unrest of 56,000 Greenlanders who had no say. The Marines need the practice of landing their war boys and war toys on foreign beaches that won’t fight back much.

Then we can move on other weak countries. Maybe Canada. Especially North Montana. Maybe those Canadian islands west of Greenland.


Smart Chickens

Apparently, there are some really smart chickens in Arizona that know the difference between ballots marked Democrat and ballots marked Republican. I say we should confiscate these chickens ASAP and breed them like crazy. There are more tasks for which they can be trained.

We can send our trained chickens to act as American spies anywhere in the world where chickens are scratching dirt. Think of our American chickens digging for worms around military installations in China and Russia. No one would ever suspect THAT chicken has been vaccinated for COVID-19 and has been infused with surveillance microchips.


The Texas Bait and Switch

Texans are unhappy. So I’m going to let Texas rejoin Mexico. Then when a few Texans are unsatisfied with their new country, let’s forcefully retake Texas back—and the Mexican provinces of Chihuahua and Coahuila while we have the army in the region. Two or three birds with one annexation stone, right?

These new “states” will require some extra policing to get the drug lords under control. The insurgents of January 6 can be put to useful patriotic work in this way.

But what to do with Ted Cruz?


Time to Nationalize Big Companies

If another big company ever gets a government bailout, the government becomes a three-quarter owner of the company.

If a company gets into a bailout situation and its owners come begging “we’re too big to fail,” its owners should be happy to lose 75% of their equity. Otherwise, they lose 100%. This is just good business sense for them and us.

In case you don’t get the connection, those big corporations who are giving their shareholders great dividends but don’t seem to be paying corporate taxes need to be bailed out. Our economy can’t afford unprofitable companies hanging around the American corporate scene for too long, can we? For sure, let’s get some “forced bailout” legislation happening.

Maybe even set up a competition to see who can pay the most taxes. Winners don’t get bailed out.


USA’s Political Mental Illness

Some crazy Medium writer is claiming that everyone in the USA is mentally ill. As president, I say we need to address this situation head-on. If this mental illness article goes viral, our allies and adversaries will not look at us anymore with fear or admiration. That could be bad.

Well, actually, with me as president, the problem would automatically be solved with my election. Albert Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. When Americans no longer cast ballots for Republicans or Democrats, Americans will prove that they are sane. So easy. And it doesn’t even need a cabinet secretary.


Conclusion

So you see, I have all sorts of great ideas to move the USA forward.

Your vote for me will happen in three years and three months, which is a long time from now. So show your support by sending money to the: “Dave Volek for President Campaign.”

Things could be worse.

Published on Medium 2021

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Prez 47 Satire: Start

The Tax Shell Game