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Prez 47 Satire: 10 Reasons to Vote for Me

Three weeks ago, Medium broke the story of my announcement to become the 47th President of the United States in 2024.

Here is a listicle of why you should vote for me.

1. I Don’t Play Golf

There will be no political deals being struck on the golf course on my watch. Nor can a lobbyist tickle my ego by letting me win.

2. Liberate North Montana

Four million Canadians want their freedom from socialism. The last 30 presidents did nothing for these people. Instead, they sent American troops into world wars and Asian wars. So much easier to invade Canada. Go figure.

3. Mike Pence Needs To Be Pardoned

I kind of feel sorry for the guy: he could be hanged at any time. If #45 and #46 can’t or won’t do the job, I will.

4. The Evangelical Christians Won’t Like My Presidency

Admit it, you want to stick something in their ear.

5. I Don’t Grok Social Media

This new internet technology hasn’t done me a darn bit of good trying to promote a new kind of democracy. Total waste of my time: I’m still an echo chamber of one.

As for the social part of social media, a third of my FB wall consists of liberals hating conservatives. Another third is conservatives hating liberals. The last third is about what “my friends” ate at the restaurant last night.

When the social media algorithms decided I didn’t need to hear about a family reunion, I missed the reunion. So, what’s the point of Facebook? After that, I turned my social media accounts into an address book, to be checked every month—or less often. But I’m not bitter.

The mainstream media will be lost without this president being on social media. I will even quit my Medium addiction when I get the big job. Maybe that’s why my Medium articles don’t go far. Medium does not want me to be president. Or maybe Medium is part of the Deep State.

Admit it, you want to stick something in a social media giant’s ear.

6. Stop the Rumors

I need the president’s position to make this clear: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and I are not secretly engaged.

7. My Ardent Supporters

These fellows (and some gals) have black SUVs with tinted windows and like early-morning work assignments. And they wear black suits and $250 sunglasses. Just saying!

8. Tubularsock

Tubularsock is a great American political satirist. He lives by his motto: “First-Hand Coverage, Second -Hand News.” The Tube has equal contempt for both Democrats and Republicans.

No one understands the U.S. government like the Tube. He can take any three random letters, turn them into an acronym, and then refer that acronym to some government agency, government form, government flunkey, or government rule somewhere in the USA. He knows how the system really works. That is why I nominated him for president in 2018. I even volunteered to handle his campaign donations. Tubularsock could not see his own great potential.

Sometimes if I need to get things done, I need to do them myself.

9. Being a Real Celebrity

My life-long ambition is to be the special guest star on The Muppet Show. Maybe Kermit the Frog’s agent will pay attention to my letters and phone calls after I win the Presidency.

Admit it, you want to see me sing and dance with Miss Piggy.

10. Things could be Worse.

Sure, vote for the other guys. See what happens.

Published on Medium 2021


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